Being a bit of a good egg with principles and all that, I’ll start by saying that no manner of inducement from brewing mega-giant AB-Inbev could ever make me say that Corona Extra (4.6% ABV)Pale Lager, Mexico’s most famous export, is a good beer. If I ever did one day appear before you making such a claim then you’d quickly come to the realisation that I’d become nowt but a suede-shoed feather merchant. All I’d ask, if such an eventuality were to occur, is that you sit there politely, albeit with an understandably bemused expression on your face, safe in the knowledge that I’d been paid so much money that they’d had to build me a special ‘Money-planet’ the size of Jupiter just to house all of my fabulous wealth. It’ll never happen of course, no one ever reads this blog, let alone an international mega-brewery, so I guess my integrity is safe for now. Yay.
Anyway, as all right thinking people know, Corona Extra is arguably one of the worst beers ever made. Any beer that requires you to add cut fruit, or indeed actually pour it into another drink frankly isn’t worthy of your hard earned dollars. Corona is so bland and uninspiring that you may as well may as well save yourself the bother and just go ahead and eat a small square of blank cardboard or sit on a stool while dribbling into a bucket. Drinking Corona excites the senses in the same way standing at a urinal and staring blankly at the wall in front of you while you relieve yourself does. It has absolutely no redeeming qualities, apart from the fact that it exists as a liquid that may or may not save you if you became lost in the Tunisian desert while trying to find the spot where they filmed Ben Kenobi scaring off the Sand People in the original Star Wars in 1976. I mean Its listed ingredients say it all: Hops, Barley, Water, Propylene Glycol Alginate. And people actually pay to ingest that shit? Jesus.
But of course, Corona Extra isn’t meant for the likes of you or me. No, it’s market is the legion of bull necked excitable assholes in wife-beaters, blubbering on about how many low flying aircraft they can knock out of the sky with their allegedly humungous nob ends, while they tootle about in the preposterous fart buckets they call cars. Corona Extra, if you’ll excuse the detour into pretentious bollocks for a moment, is the perfect example of the postmodern product: the quality and features of the beer are entirely irrelevant. It exists solely to be marketed to you by advertising executives who, instead of an actual real product, want to sell you the ‘idea’ that Corona Extra tastes good and will make you ‘cool’ as well as popular with your friends and the opposite sex. In actuality it’ll do nothing of the sort, but the sad and bitter truth is that the dot-eyed marketing men have been hugely successful in peddling their fiction and have made Corona Extra into one of the most successful beers on the planet. The millions they’ve made for AB-Inbev ensure that they’ll forever be allowed to browse the latest Lamborghini brochure while being fellated by their bikini model girlfriends. Bah! It’s so unfair!
So that’s all I have to say on the matter really. Corona Extra quite simply isn’t worth the attention of properly discerning Ninja Beer Drinkers who don’t want to waste their short time in this veil of tears consuming swill. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
It gets one star because of the aforementioned remote possibilty it might save you from dying of thirst. But only if you've run out of your own body fluids to drink.